DOMINATION [05] - FEEDBACK THREAD

[Jerry David]

Hi Everyone,

Feedback on show 5 is welcome in all formats, but here are some prompts for you if you aren't sure:

BEST MATCH:
BEST SEGMENT:
BEST ANGLE:
BEST LINE OF THE NIGHT:
ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT:

We understand it's a BIG show, so some of you might not get to read it all. That's understandable. But please leave feedback on what you DID read here!

Sign-up's for our first PPV is also up on the relevant forum! REMEMBER: NO SIGN UP, NO GO!

Cheers,
sc00t

[pdbnb]

WEEEEEELLL!
WELL, IT'S THE BIG SHOOOOOW!

--------------------------------------------

BREAKING NEWS: HOLY SHIT! Colour me interested!

BACK IN BUSINESS: Has a typo in the title. Other than that, it introduces the Voice of Truth podcast, which will become a thing later (at least, I hope it will...)

SIGN-OFF MEETING: I wonder what the boys' fool-proof plan could be...? A few typos here, which annoy me. Do better, Pedro!

TWO GIRLS, ONE DEBUT: Trouble has arrived, and it Roxx. That said, almost this entire first string of segments is mine...

THE MASTER SISTERS VS BEST OF BRITISH: ...so THAT was the plan! Seriously, I can't wait to read people's feedback on this. I realized reading it back that Rupert teleports back to the ring from the outside - oops. Just use your imagination, people.

SAND: I hear Anakin Skywalker doesn't like it. It's rough.

DORITOS: Well, at least we know what Doritos Man dislikes now. That said, there's nothing wrong with soup. Also, I had just stubbed my toe on the sofa when I read this, so that bit was relatable.

TEA FOR THREE: It's Amber Button being cute. Nothing else required.

HOT DOGS: Glad Keegan put that seg in between there or I would have had all my stuff almost in a row. Anyway, this is just a bit of Angel and Saul being cute (I hope...), even if Angel doesn't know how to pronounce ValOrie's name (oops!)

OUR PEAK: Yorkshire is not a city, Aurora... Also, past tense. Also, great character development as usual.

STEVE DANN VS GREAT WALL: Jobber v jobber HOSS FIGHT? Actually curious to see who wins this one... Wall needs this win, or he'll definitely be a joke. We shall see. Yeah, of course he won - but Dann got in a surprising amount of offence. Oh well, credible threat once more. Well done.

NURSE, NURSE! : Good promo from E Z here, and it's interesting that we see him humbled for the first time - coincidentally, the first time we see him in the 'real world', where he is unable to control proceedings. Oh yeah, RIP E Z's dick.

DOWN TO BUSINESS: Just another wrinkle in Pierson's madness. The main question after reading this is: is Manny actually real, or just in Pierson's head?

IT WON'T REYN... : Malta's about to get eaten next, isn't he?

LSD v PIERSON: An in-match promo inside Christian's head? See, this is what I feel sets GLOBAL apart from standard efeds in terms of storytelling. SO much more you can do with this format! Also, yup, Manny is definitely not real. Interesting dynamic with an imaginary manager that only Pierson can hear. I LOVE that we spend the match in his head - so different! This match really showcases what can be done with this format - it feels like a scene from a TV show, not a wrestling match. Absolutely refreshing.

PARTY AT APARTMENT 3F - A bit of a cameo for you SCW folks, and a match is made for Magnum Opus. Good fun to write, as were all my segments this cycle.

DORITOS II - HA! I found a typo in a Scott segment! Other than that, good counterpoint to the first half, and still as annoying to read.

MAGIC: Most of all, I feel sorry for Edward Shearing - poor guy gets stuck looking like Ed Sheeran, without even having the talent. Also, 'gmail.net'?

GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN: ...when the working day is done. Or rather, while it's still going on. Anyway, everyone please welcome my latest addition to the roster.

TROUBLE ROXX vs TEAM UNITED: I wish I could have slotted in a DOUBLE midair uppercut...oh well. Also, ALLIE, not Abby, you stupid idiot!! Where did I get freaking ABBY from?

RICHER AND BETTER? NAH... : Could have been an interesting contrast between the lifestyles of top and lower-card indie wrestlers...except yeah, Alfie has a point. If he is not CHOOSING to live frugally, and he is a Main Eventer as well, then yeah - what gives?

TNT vs ALF: Beautifully written, and Alf continuing his streak of winning without doing nothing is fun and all, but I am NOT sure I like using somebody else's character like that when the person is long gone. It just doesn't feel right.

THE GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Funny how this aligns with something I set up in my own Angel and Saul segment...WITHOUT telling Courtney about it. Interesting how that works sometimes.

DEATH AND LIFE: More Manny stuff. Guess this is a Pierson Episode.

X vs BEST: So...X is a heel now? He is certainly wrestling like one here... What is the deal with this guy? Anyway, Darren Best getting up from a Frankensteiner is a bit iffy, but good match otherwise. Makes you wonder what is up with Best, he seemed a little off his game all the way through here.

PHYSICAL COMPETITION: Events like this definitely do not end well at GLOBAL. Also, is this person allergic to quotation marks or something?

THE G.O.A.T vs PAUL SANDERS: The result was never in doubt here, but a great little match regardless. Alecz is never NOT entertaining. Also, kudos to whoever made Paul look good there, because the guy needed it.

FREDDIE GOT SHOT... : Fear can make you heel up, apparently. Good hype for the rematch at Magnum Opus. Old-school babyface promo where everyone gets put over (aside from Reyn) and interest is created. Good job.

ROMAN REIGNS vs EL PRINCIPE: ...errrm, I mean Daniel Dream. This started off as too much of a squash, but ended up being a really entertaining little match, with some WCW midcard vibes. Again, the result was never in question, but this one was all about the journey. I also loved all the little touches, like Principe being in a telenovela (wink, wink) and especially 'santa mierda'.

DONNIE DARKO: Is coming soon, apparently.

NURSE, NURSE 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO : OOOOOH, IT. IS. ONNNNN! Best segment of the night thus far. This promo is FIRE, and I am hyped for the match to come.

VAL vs JED: LET'S F---ING GOOOOO! I hope Val chokes him out. Oh, she didn't. Too bad. Good match otherwise, although - settle down, Allie. Geez!

HALL OF FAME WHINING: Uhhhh...pretty sure this was meant to have been placed two matches ago? Someday, we will have a show with no segment placement issues. Today is not that day. Anyway, I knew what was coming with this one, and I hope people are HYPE for this. I know I am!

AMBER v KID: ...uh...WOW!? Match of the night. EVERYTHING about this was riveting, from the storytelling about Amber wanting to finish it with the GTS and delaying her victory because of that, to the near falls, to one second remaining on the clock, to the potential hook for a rematch. Also, seeing Kid's performance in this, and contrasting it to how his partner did against the same opponent two weeks ago...Kid should definitely tell Sanders to shape up or ship out. He's going to hold the team back. As for Kid himself...hashtag JobberNoMore. Top THAT, Reyn!

DORITOS III: We are the terror that flaps in the night...oh, wait, wrong character.

REYN v MALTA: Judging by the progress bar on my browser, Malta is about to get murked in a few seconds like VIP and Gemini. AND there are full entrances? ...yup, this one's going to be over quickly. OK, I stand corrected - colour me impressed. Not better than the match preceding it, but a big, ugly, knock-down, drag-out brawl that kept me riveted all the way through, even if the result was never in question (a recurring problem with the roster hierarchy and matchups at GLOBAL.) A few typos throughout did not detract from the experience. And now, here comes...

GLOBAL SHOWDOWN: ...Sean Darring, to very calmly challenge Reyn. WOW, what a response from Reyn, I felt the intensity from across the computer screen. And now...BOOOOOO!!! OK, this match is going to rule. The seg itself is a bit wordy (rich coming from me, I know), but gets the job done.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHT: It's interesting how everyone is starting to align in terms of announcer dynamic (like having Allie and Mark bicker, and Quinn be the impartial calming influence.) It shows people really do pay attention.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Another great show. It hit the perfect balance between a TV show and a wrestling show, furthered multiple storylines in meaningful directions, and kept this reader interested throughout. Less OMG moments than previous shows, and still a few niggles to work on, but overall a MUCH stronger outing than anything except Domination #4. Can't wait for the first supershow!

[MasterSisters]

OUR PEAK: Yorkshire is not a city, Aurora...

Aurora was very tired when she remembered that she hadn't wrote the segment for the show and sadly didn't remember to fact check anything.
But you can rest assured that someone will make fun of her about this next time.

[Keegan]

My feedback will follow this week, and it'll be longer than I thought. given the size of the show and how I went from writing more than 50% of the show at one point to 35 in the end.

A few things...

We certainly went from seg-heavy to match-heavy, possibly too much, and I'll take my share of the blame in that. Hard to predict how many people are going to write from one week to the next.

I know I didn't include 'entrances' in the bio, and I need to do them myself, but can everyone get a standard entrance done, please? We can put it in the bios, another section on the Discord or here, and I'll discuss that with some people, but yes, that needs to be done by all of us, me included.

Well, I got to edit quite a bit of the show, but not everything, due to a problem with the server on deadline day. At least, my end. So, I apologise for that or any wrong order. Some general points, though...

1. PRESENT tense.
2. Try and get staff members' names right.
3. The deadline is always 11pm Eastern.

[Jerry David]

Breaking news: Darring is such a nice bloke. Sets up the match for later.

Back in business: easier to tell who's talking this week, and I do like the man who fell to earth. he's... quirky.

Sign off meeting: Intriguing storyline. I'd like this to be grittier, though.

Two girls, one debut: I feel like a lot of the characters from this handler sound the same in my head. IDK if that's because I know who handles them or if the characters are just similar that way? A couple of issues with grammar, i.e. “It’s in your name”, Izzy quips. - this should be “It’s in your name.” Izzy quips. but no drama, just pointing that out for the writer to watch out for.

Sand: Based on real life events.

I: Based on real life events.

Tea for Three: Quite a few issues with grammar in this one, for example when Amber's mum first speaks her speech is in line with the proceeding description where it should be on a new line. That is followed by a sentence that should have a full stop but instead has a comma; "Ava says as Amber pushes her across the parking lot, both women smile when they see Alfie waiting for them by the front door to the restaurant." - 2 sentences. Then there is more dialogue that should be on a new line. And a third time, all in one paragraph. So that needs looking out for in future. Issues also with punctuation at the end of dialogue, either commas are used instead of full stops when a speaker has finished speaking, or no punctuation at all. At least it's written in present tense though. I like Alfie Button, but I'm not keen on the pairing of the two characters.

Phone calls and hot dogs and street fights, oh my!: I struggled to follow this one. I get that the writer is trying something with this character; writing in the first person, but I think things would be easier to follow in the more traditional 3rd person. I assume this is setting up a match at the PPV, but it isn't clear to me?

Our Peak: Not really sure what this segment was for other than showing one of the sisters was frustrated after the match? Doesn't really move anything forwards.

Nurse, Nurse!(1): Well written by Kyle. Nice to see E Z being put in his place. Shows SOME vulnerability in the character. Moves the angle forward, showing E Z isn't done with Jerry yet.

It won't Reyn: Dreadful grammar, and I've no idea what Scorched or Sin and Retribution are or what a keystone title is. It's fine to make a point of a feud having spanned several efeds, but at least put some effort in to explaining the backstory.

Party at Apartment 3F: Completely lost track of who was talking, or who anyone was at points. Can't say I'm massively interested in Ross Hanson all of a sudden. Looking forward to what Hayley has going on in the future.

You: Based on real life events.

Advert - Magic: Based on real life events.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Starts with "it's a break in-between matches" but it isn't. There are 3 segments before it. Forgivable, but I think this is one of the generic efed writing segment intros (along with "the scene opens, the screen fades from black" etc. I'd love to see more people avoiding these cliches but I do get why they are used to be fair. I like these guys. Obviously they're Team Rocket but in an efed. I always liked Team Rocket when I watched Pokemon so it's a nice nostalgia trip for me. I look forward to seeing what they get up to in the coming weeks.

Richer and better? Nah...: This week my bug bear is commas at the end of dialogue instead of full stops, lol. I love Alfie though, and he's right - he's hard done by!

Ghosts of Christmas past: I like both of these characters. Sets up a later match.

Death and Life: Same issue as other segments. When someone is finished speaking, dialogue should be punctuated with a full stop, not a comma. (the comma is used correctly later in the segment)

Physical Competition (2): Good fun and another dirty finish to a competition. How many of these will we get?

Freddie Gets Shot...: Great segment. Shows Freddie's fear of Reyn, sets up a future match surely? Whether Freddie likes it or not.

Coming Soon: LOOK! A BUNNY!!!!!!

Nurse, Nurse! (2): Based on real life events.

Hall of Fame Whining: Oh great the PPV match is set up! I love these guys and the angle has been fun to watch. Looking forward to the blow off at the PPV and seeing where these guys head when they go their separate ways, assuming they do after the PPV.

We: Based on real life events.

SoM V Reyn: Past tense, present tense, past tense, present tense, past tense, present tense, past tense... Come on man. We've been open 10 weeks now. MAlta a few times rather than Malta, a few other spelling errors but nothing major in that respect. This tense thing should be boxed off by now, though.

Global Showdown: Kind of segues from the match into the segment, but not quite. Sets up the main event for the PPV and gets every character over in their own ways.

[Jerry David]

DORITOS II - HA! I found a typo in a Scott segment! Other than that, good counterpoint to the first half, and still as annoying to read.

NOoooOoooooOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't be me. I'm not Doritos Man.

I also fixed the typo in the title for Back in Business. My fault, not the writers.

[THEHopper]

The wrongly placed comma is on me as it was probably my thumb hitting the wrong key.

Far as the rest of your "feedback" let me say this.....

It is placed correctly because IF YOU WOULD HAVE READ THE MATCH you would understand the segment.

It actually had been placed on the card twice with 2 different titles for some reason, once before your match and once afterwards. I wrote my feedback as I was reading along, having read the segment that appeared before your match appeared, thus my confusion. I then resolved the placement issue after leaving my feedback

Edit: Edited my feedback to remove the line about it being placed incorrectly.

[THEHopper]

Honestly.....it is actually better to own the mistake and NOT go back and edit your comments......or erase other posts when quoting them to correct your own gaffes.

This way people understand what is said and reacted to within this thread of posts.

[pdbnb]

Long-form feedback is now complete on the first reply to the thread. Here is the TL;DR version.

BEST MATCH: Amber vs Kid, hands down, no question. One of the best matches in GLOBAL to date.
BEST SEGMENT: Jerry David delivering a fire promo while 'deeeead, here in a hospital beeeed'!
BEST ANGLE: This was very, very clearly a Pierson episode, and his stuff was riveting. However, if I may toot my own horn...HOW ABOUT THAT UK STABLE, THOUGH?!
BEST LINE OF THE NIGHT: There were a few that stood out. "You know what they do to make Daniel Dream special? They ring the bell" being just the latest one I read.
ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT: Typos (my bad as well). Segment placement. Past tense. You know the drill by now. Also, whoever is allergic to quotation marks, please take your medication and use them next time.

[Jerry David]

Honestly.....it is actually better to own the mistake and NOT go back and edit your comments......or erase other posts when quoting them to correct your own gaffes.

This way people understand what is said and reacted to within this thread of posts.

I have owned the mistake pointing out it had been duplicated with 2 different titles for some reason. Who do you think made that mistake? Clearly me.

I've just reaslised how I erased your post on here, I edited yours instead of hitting quote, lol! Oops! Sorry about that. Another of my gaffes!

If you want a conversation you literally have all my personal contact information.